因爲到最後，
我們什麽都不是。
恭喜好朋友Cheryl今晚2013年7月15日以最高榮譽學位化學科學士順利畢業。
而什麽時候會輪到我呢？
期待爸爸看到我畢業的那一天
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
happy birthday to me
Dear family and friends, thank you for your wishes, whether virtual, in voice, via text or in person. Each and every one of them have been well-received, and I appreciate them all, whether you're a friend new or old, close or distant.
To be honest, I hesitated writing this note because I've always been one who's quick to show my disapproval of those who facebook their problems, instead of facing them (though I know I'm guilty of it sometimes >.<). But I suppose they have their reasons for doing so, and, well, I'm no different.
It's been a crazy year since my last birthday.
Last birthday, I recall spending time at a Grill party with friends whom I've spent a significant amount of time with in Germany. That was one of the few great moments last year.
And something struck so bad (something which some of my closer friends know about), and instantly it became so hard juggling housework at home, work in school, and a job I couldn't quit because I had made a promise to an ailing teacher to see his students through PSLE. He eventually passed away, which left me pretty much in a limbo.
I started turning up late for school, constantly not having enough sleep, and neglecting my then girlfriend.
Meanwhile I grew distant with friends, stopped going for soccer, and eventually, had my girlfriend ignore her way out of a relationship, which, to be honest, I couldn't quite handle anymore. I wasn't doing well for anything actually. I struggled to attend Aikido training sessions, struggled to keep up my passion for German, I struggled to put on a happy face when I meet the kids during every Sunday class.
Ain't trying to find excuses, but I just can't tell you how glad that I survived 2012, and see that my students had all done reasonably well, well enough to go on to their respective secondary schools. And I just can't tell you how glad I am to have continued with German (hence some good friend(s), and me being better prepared to go on exchange soon). Just can't tell you how glad I am to have persisted with Aikido (hence attaining 6th Kyu, and enjoying every training session that I'm able to attend!).
Even till today, sometimes I get annoyed with the constant bickering with siblings because of the new roles all of us learn to adapt to. I get jaded sometimes, but looking back on the experience accumulated, though I can't figure out whether they've been good or bad, I'm definitely sure they've made me grown. And I'm still learning every day.
I'm just glad I made it this old.
I'm just glad I made it this old.
For my host family who keeps in touch with me, reminding me of the good times I had in Muenster, Germany, I thank you so much for reminding me of the little happy things that every student should treasure while being a student.
For the friends who understand me, stood by me, and kept in touch with me on a frequent basis, thank you for your care, concern, and for bring joy and laughters into my life always!
And as for my dad, I think you're the most capable person ever. Your strength to carry on through adversity inspires me whenever I lose my passion for life. Trying so hard to give me the life you never had, for that I love you, sincerely and truly.
And I hope one day I have the courage to say them to you in person. And one day I swear I'll give you the life you deserve.
I love you.
Sometimes I get annoyed with the constant bickering with siblings because of the new roles all of us had to learn to adapt to.
累
老實說,在這個只有我在乎的家庭裏存在著，很累
不能跟別人怨一聲‘累’，我只好又回來找你這個又笨又呆的部落格發一下牢騷
因爲只有你不會訂我嘴，又會一字不漏的把它們全記載下來
還是你可靠
因爲23嵗生日這一天，我並不覺得特別，只覺得自己一點用處都沒有，一點被別人珍惜的感覺也沒有
有時想找個遠在韓國的朋友訴苦，但又不想打擾別人
還是自己振作起來，加油吧
不能跟別人怨一聲‘累’，我只好又回來找你這個又笨又呆的部落格發一下牢騷
因爲只有你不會訂我嘴，又會一字不漏的把它們全記載下來
還是你可靠
因爲23嵗生日這一天，我並不覺得特別，只覺得自己一點用處都沒有，一點被別人珍惜的感覺也沒有
有時想找個遠在韓國的朋友訴苦，但又不想打擾別人
還是自己振作起來，加油吧
useless prick, ha.
Sometimes I feel like a useless prick
Falling to diseases that make me sick
And that was how I spent my fucking 23rd birthday.
At my aunt's place while I seek solace in this place.
Falling to diseases that make me sick
And that was how I spent my fucking 23rd birthday.
At my aunt's place while I seek solace in this place.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
another tired night
sometimes i feel tired, and the indecision is killing me
swaying moods like the moon, aint no one feeling me
swaying moods like the moon, aint no one feeling me
Friday, July 12, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
happy father's day
Just yesterday.
Birth of another widow, and the loss of a dad on the eve of father's day.
For if you had a father, you should make every day a father's day.
and... i don't know what else to say.
happy father's day.
Birth of another widow, and the loss of a dad on the eve of father's day.
For if you had a father, you should make every day a father's day.
and... i don't know what else to say.
happy father's day.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Addiction to Dreams
You know, I've always somewhat understood why some people would want to go back to dreaming every day in "Inception".
And now, I get a taste of that understanding. Some people don't dream at night, like I don't when I was busy with both school, aikido and family all at the same time. And once everything slows down, I'm having them really frequently, even during short naps I take after exercises and shit.
I think I'm addicted to dreams.
Dreaming about things that will never come back again.
Like my mother pulling me out of bed waking me up for school.
Like she waking me up from afternoon naps to have dinner.
Like she randomly calling me up when I was in my first NUS semester, asking me if I had the time to join her for lunch or dinner or tea outside.
Like she calling me up to buy some groceries or bubble tea.
Like she fetching me from home to my army camp.
Like she asking me to buy lottery tickets when the prize awards were really huge.
Like when the whole family went to Switzerland and Paris together cause that was the point in my life I knew I had a happy family.
Like when I looked forward to your dishes whenever you asked us to come up with a menu and then you would do your best to have a sumptuous dinner for us after a long day in school, but suddenly after shit happened you never cooked another dish for us ever again.
Like when you and I and sis would walk Angel together and discuss about the happenings in our life, and you telling me what a bitch Wanying was, and how manipulative/ gullible I was.
Like me telling you how lousy I felt when I was rejected by my first crush in secondary school, and your only calm response was 天涯何處無芳草？
Like you helping me with my Arts homework in primary school because even though I loved drawing, I never was good at it?
Like the first time the kids saw snow for the first time in our lives, and you played snowball fight with us in the Swiss snow.
Like you telling me to always have a positive outlook on life, until you yourself crashed and never picked yourself up again.
And after you left, the family's putting up a false image that everything's okay when nothing is okay. I know sometimes at night my sister cries to herself, wishing that she could go back to the days when you two spent so much time together. I know sometimes my lil brother is rebellious, because he wished he didn't take you for granted when you were there for him. I know dad is angry with an internal volcano erupting 24/7, but deep inside he loves you and hopes that one day you come to your senses. And as for me I've always treated you as my best friend, and others would get all jealous and envious that I had a cool mum like you did who would ask me to hang up my long calls, unless except if it was a conversation with another girl. A friend who I could share my thoughts, jokes and opinions with. Like my mother who would be cool and trustful of where I went to after school as long as I told her where I was going. You've changed, and the family aint gonna come back ever again.
Like my grandaunt who brought me to Da An Forest Park in Taipei, to feed the ducks when I was just a toddler. A toddler I may have been, but those memories are so vivid.
Like my grandaunt who would buy tons of Yakult just because I told her I loved it, but how she enjoyed watching me eat tonnes of food that she bought (though it made me really fat and chubby at the time).
Like how I would visit her every time I went back Taiwan because her health was reclining and she couldn't move around much except to grandma's place.
Like how we went over to your place after you were discharged from the hospital for the second time, and you were sharing with us your new soft toys that your grandchildren had given you.
Like how it was cool that some device was attached to your favorite soft toys so that you could call Aunt Xiaohua whenever you needed help. But still Aunt Xiaohua said you were always so reluctant to push the button and would always try to do things on your own because you didn't want to trouble her.
And after her death, I can only dream of the times she treated me well when she was healthy. And now all I could ever think of are the images of you lying lifeless on the hospital bed, while sis and I cry inside our hearts because I ain't never seen you in such a horrible state before. You didn't deserve to die the way you did, because you've always spent so much time and effort doing sports, scaling mountains, taking care of your children. The sight of Aunt Xiaohua always taking care of you was so heart-warming because you've done such a good job raising your children, and now when it's her turn to take care of you, she decided to quit her job so that she could always be by your side. But I couldn't.
Like when she confessed that she liked me too in the rain under the basilica Sacre Coeur Paris.
Like when she and I ditched our friends to have a date at the Eiffel Tower.
Like when she would still call me when I was busy teaching the kids.
Like when we held each other's hands throughout the entire journey back home from Europe and I could feel my sweat in her palms.
Like when she called me at nights during my first ICT.
Like when she told me she loved me, but I told her I couldn't say the same to her until I was sure that she was the right girl. And eventually I did, but, was it all bad-timing?
Like when we had our first date in Singapore along the beach and were just lying on the rock and stargazing, sharing our life before all this sharing became 'reporting'.
Like when she cried telling me that she wants to take the same German class as me but could not because I had to take care of my family in the afternoon and evenings.
Like when she just wanted to spend more time talking to me, but I was just exhausted from school, aikido, tuition and the family, and calling almost every motherfucker out there just to beg my mum to come back home.
And somehow, when I thought she would love me forever and that I was going to marry her, things changed and she didn't love me anymore. At the point of time, it hurt me so bad that she didn't do anything to salvage the relationship, but instead, she went on ignoring me. On hindsight, don't blame me for hurting you; you didn't love me enough to want me back. And so the only regret I have is to have loved someone who never really loved me in the first place.So stop acting like you're the victim, when you acted the way you did and then have your friend telling some other NYJC friends about how I was rejected at your door step, because they came up to ask if it was true. I loved you, and at the point in time, it was all true. All the more I'm glad that I've let you free.
Like when I first got to know John at an interview - yes - at the hospital, and I ain't never been to a hospital since my grandaunt because I hate the feeling of my memories locked in there. But how I would come to respect a teacher whom I barely knew, but from my conversation with your wife and your students, I would know that you're a dedicated teacher who spent loads of time and effort on teaching.
Like when I was teaching tuition and the kids loved the way I taught, and always asked me to extend the class or have an extra class - sorry I just didnt have the time and energy to put in extra effort. Though I'm glad the extra oral lessons helped you guys a little.
Like when I received news from them that they all have improved their grades for PSLE English.
And I know I'll never get another enjoyable tuition class like you guys. I'll probably never go back to teaching at a lower level again, and John, you were an amazing employer even though I was on my own teaching the kids for most of the time, especially after you were gone. Thank you for giving me the opportunity, and even though I still don't know if teaching is meant for me, I'm glad I had a taste of what it's like.
Like when I was always down and blue we would just say, 'hey, how about some kalua'?
Like how I would ask her out on valentines day to hang out because I didn't know better - and I was just thinking of asking a good girl-friend out for a meal before she would leave Singapore for good.
Like when we had our last kalua session and your poured your heart out telling me about your fears and shit. And how time flew so fast since we met each other in JC.
Like when she left for Korea, and I think we were almost this close to being a couple - but fortunately we did not, otherwise I think things would have turned out really awkward for us.
Like when she scolded me for some weird reasons I couldn't understand, but came back to reread them and understand them a lot better after joanna and i broke up.
Sometimes we all need to learn painful lessons.
Now I'm more independent, dealing with all this shit on my own but I've still gotta stay positive. Some friends don't understand exactly what happened to cause me to disappear from their groups since my busy times. And fuck it, whatever man. You guys never understood, never tried to understand, then blame me. I don't need lousy friends like you.
Don't come up to me calling me 'oppa' and shit when you never gave a shit about me - cause you're more concerned about your relationship with your friend than whether your friend is doing the right thing or not. Face it, you're not gonna call me out of the blue to chat. Wait, you never even bothered replying to my texts or my calls. You're not gonna ask me out for coffee. Naw, friendship ain't all that.
So I'm ditching the past and starting from scratch.
And it's just me, my mind, my raps and my rhymes. And this addiction to dreams that I've gotta quit.
And now, I get a taste of that understanding. Some people don't dream at night, like I don't when I was busy with both school, aikido and family all at the same time. And once everything slows down, I'm having them really frequently, even during short naps I take after exercises and shit.
I think I'm addicted to dreams.
Dreaming about things that will never come back again.
Like my mother pulling me out of bed waking me up for school.
Like she waking me up from afternoon naps to have dinner.
Like she randomly calling me up when I was in my first NUS semester, asking me if I had the time to join her for lunch or dinner or tea outside.
Like she calling me up to buy some groceries or bubble tea.
Like she fetching me from home to my army camp.
Like she asking me to buy lottery tickets when the prize awards were really huge.
Like when the whole family went to Switzerland and Paris together cause that was the point in my life I knew I had a happy family.
Like when I looked forward to your dishes whenever you asked us to come up with a menu and then you would do your best to have a sumptuous dinner for us after a long day in school, but suddenly after shit happened you never cooked another dish for us ever again.
Like when you and I and sis would walk Angel together and discuss about the happenings in our life, and you telling me what a bitch Wanying was, and how manipulative/ gullible I was.
Like me telling you how lousy I felt when I was rejected by my first crush in secondary school, and your only calm response was 天涯何處無芳草？
Like you helping me with my Arts homework in primary school because even though I loved drawing, I never was good at it?
Like the first time the kids saw snow for the first time in our lives, and you played snowball fight with us in the Swiss snow.
Like you telling me to always have a positive outlook on life, until you yourself crashed and never picked yourself up again.
And after you left, the family's putting up a false image that everything's okay when nothing is okay. I know sometimes at night my sister cries to herself, wishing that she could go back to the days when you two spent so much time together. I know sometimes my lil brother is rebellious, because he wished he didn't take you for granted when you were there for him. I know dad is angry with an internal volcano erupting 24/7, but deep inside he loves you and hopes that one day you come to your senses. And as for me I've always treated you as my best friend, and others would get all jealous and envious that I had a cool mum like you did who would ask me to hang up my long calls, unless except if it was a conversation with another girl. A friend who I could share my thoughts, jokes and opinions with. Like my mother who would be cool and trustful of where I went to after school as long as I told her where I was going. You've changed, and the family aint gonna come back ever again.
Like my grandaunt who brought me to Da An Forest Park in Taipei, to feed the ducks when I was just a toddler. A toddler I may have been, but those memories are so vivid.
Like my grandaunt who would buy tons of Yakult just because I told her I loved it, but how she enjoyed watching me eat tonnes of food that she bought (though it made me really fat and chubby at the time).
Like how I would visit her every time I went back Taiwan because her health was reclining and she couldn't move around much except to grandma's place.
Like how we went over to your place after you were discharged from the hospital for the second time, and you were sharing with us your new soft toys that your grandchildren had given you.
Like how it was cool that some device was attached to your favorite soft toys so that you could call Aunt Xiaohua whenever you needed help. But still Aunt Xiaohua said you were always so reluctant to push the button and would always try to do things on your own because you didn't want to trouble her.
And after her death, I can only dream of the times she treated me well when she was healthy. And now all I could ever think of are the images of you lying lifeless on the hospital bed, while sis and I cry inside our hearts because I ain't never seen you in such a horrible state before. You didn't deserve to die the way you did, because you've always spent so much time and effort doing sports, scaling mountains, taking care of your children. The sight of Aunt Xiaohua always taking care of you was so heart-warming because you've done such a good job raising your children, and now when it's her turn to take care of you, she decided to quit her job so that she could always be by your side. But I couldn't.
Like when she confessed that she liked me too in the rain under the basilica Sacre Coeur Paris.
Like when she and I ditched our friends to have a date at the Eiffel Tower.
Like when she would still call me when I was busy teaching the kids.
Like when we held each other's hands throughout the entire journey back home from Europe and I could feel my sweat in her palms.
Like when she called me at nights during my first ICT.
Like when she told me she loved me, but I told her I couldn't say the same to her until I was sure that she was the right girl. And eventually I did, but, was it all bad-timing?
Like when we had our first date in Singapore along the beach and were just lying on the rock and stargazing, sharing our life before all this sharing became 'reporting'.
Like when she cried telling me that she wants to take the same German class as me but could not because I had to take care of my family in the afternoon and evenings.
Like when she just wanted to spend more time talking to me, but I was just exhausted from school, aikido, tuition and the family, and calling almost every motherfucker out there just to beg my mum to come back home.
And somehow, when I thought she would love me forever and that I was going to marry her, things changed and she didn't love me anymore. At the point of time, it hurt me so bad that she didn't do anything to salvage the relationship, but instead, she went on ignoring me. On hindsight, don't blame me for hurting you; you didn't love me enough to want me back. And so the only regret I have is to have loved someone who never really loved me in the first place.So stop acting like you're the victim, when you acted the way you did and then have your friend telling some other NYJC friends about how I was rejected at your door step, because they came up to ask if it was true. I loved you, and at the point in time, it was all true. All the more I'm glad that I've let you free.
Like when I first got to know John at an interview - yes - at the hospital, and I ain't never been to a hospital since my grandaunt because I hate the feeling of my memories locked in there. But how I would come to respect a teacher whom I barely knew, but from my conversation with your wife and your students, I would know that you're a dedicated teacher who spent loads of time and effort on teaching.
Like when I was teaching tuition and the kids loved the way I taught, and always asked me to extend the class or have an extra class - sorry I just didnt have the time and energy to put in extra effort. Though I'm glad the extra oral lessons helped you guys a little.
Like when I received news from them that they all have improved their grades for PSLE English.
And I know I'll never get another enjoyable tuition class like you guys. I'll probably never go back to teaching at a lower level again, and John, you were an amazing employer even though I was on my own teaching the kids for most of the time, especially after you were gone. Thank you for giving me the opportunity, and even though I still don't know if teaching is meant for me, I'm glad I had a taste of what it's like.
Like when I was always down and blue we would just say, 'hey, how about some kalua'?
Like how I would ask her out on valentines day to hang out because I didn't know better - and I was just thinking of asking a good girl-friend out for a meal before she would leave Singapore for good.
Like when we had our last kalua session and your poured your heart out telling me about your fears and shit. And how time flew so fast since we met each other in JC.
Like when she left for Korea, and I think we were almost this close to being a couple - but fortunately we did not, otherwise I think things would have turned out really awkward for us.
Like when she scolded me for some weird reasons I couldn't understand, but came back to reread them and understand them a lot better after joanna and i broke up.
Sometimes we all need to learn painful lessons.
Now I'm more independent, dealing with all this shit on my own but I've still gotta stay positive. Some friends don't understand exactly what happened to cause me to disappear from their groups since my busy times. And fuck it, whatever man. You guys never understood, never tried to understand, then blame me. I don't need lousy friends like you.
Don't come up to me calling me 'oppa' and shit when you never gave a shit about me - cause you're more concerned about your relationship with your friend than whether your friend is doing the right thing or not. Face it, you're not gonna call me out of the blue to chat. Wait, you never even bothered replying to my texts or my calls. You're not gonna ask me out for coffee. Naw, friendship ain't all that.
So I'm ditching the past and starting from scratch.
And it's just me, my mind, my raps and my rhymes. And this addiction to dreams that I've gotta quit.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
random rhymes from a broken mind
And the gods judge me when I raise them doubts
And motherfuckers too cause I stand odd out
Everyone wants to be that odd-one out...
That makes everyone puffs of the same cloud
Hold up, close your mouth for this moment
I rewind, a year ago, before my fam was broken
We were all smiles with occasional arguments
Were those smiles fake or was I just hidden
From the scenes that were taking place backstage
If I could freeze that chapter, fuck that other page
Cause age don't measure time it's a state of mind
Twenty two, still hoping I the next in line
For my first break, end the wait before my last wake
Cause I never learned how to apply them breaks
Chasin' dreams of goalless destinations
Twenty two years man, still the incarceration
random rhymes from a broken mind
Monday, April 29, 2013
social networking
This social network is causing a lot of envy
Lots of cats wanna be online celebrities
Raking in the dough like a black hole for cash
Going for soul, going solo, producing thrash
Liking this and liking that cause I click for free
We love the white noise giving kicks for free
Lots of cats wanna be online celebrities
Raking in the dough like a black hole for cash
Going for soul, going solo, producing thrash
Liking this and liking that cause I click for free
We love the white noise giving kicks for free
Sunday, April 21, 2013
no apologies
I'm losing sleep for no reason man.. Fucking worried I'm falling into depression again.
But somehow listening to rap and writing a few lines makes me feel a lot more optimistic.
Trying to get some sleep and study tomorrow. Cause I've been so fucking unproductive in the past 6 months or so.
I'm sorry I'm so uncommitted. Sorry to both you guys and myself. And I really don't want that anymore. And I want to throw everything away right now at this moment.
And aidan if you're reading this, I'm grateful anyone is even reading this almost defunct blog. Grateful, because I haven't been around for you during these lonely two years you were here, yet you stick up with all the bullshit and stuff like that.
I'm glad I had written to you when you were away in New Zealand. I'm glad I had met Yu Xiang, the rebellious and profanity-speaking kid at age 15. I'm glad I'm no longer that Chinese geek who reads martial arts novels alone in the library all day. I'm glad I started listening to rap and freestyling whack verses at yx's place. If not for that I don't think I'll know who I am. I'd probably still be pointing fingers at the sky and blaming my double-identity. and blaming my parents for placing me in an English-speaking society. Think about what my life would have been... had it not been the influence of Kinetik, and rap in my life.
I think about how my closed-mindset and always wanting to preserve my taiwanese-ness for some conservative fucked up reason. And you know, I get discouraged very easily over some small set-backs that you probably think are small issues.
You know, even though I haven't been writing much, I've been practicing my vocals and rapping over old songs just to improve on my articulation. I listen to my vocals, and I feel good that I'm vocalizing words a lot clearer these days. No more clearing the 'air' kind of weird tones, just plain rap. And I worry, because I've felt like this before; feeling confident about my flow and lyric skills, only to be let down when I stand up to the mic, or struggle to come up with verses during recording.
But I know there isn't anything called half-way there, and I really don't want to go back to the life I once had. Because I've changed so much, I kept asking if I even know myself anymore. And that kind of frightened me a little, so I thought that I had to come clean with y'all.
I'm secretly scared of a lot of things. Which is why I wanted to write something on 'cowardice'. Maybe it's got to do with all the deaths and betrayals I've experienced during the past 2 to 3 years or so - I get more and more pessimistic about being with people. Truth be told, I thought Joanna would be there for me during the hardest times for me, and at one childish time I thought to myself, yes, I'm gonna marry this girl. And then everything crumbled, even harder to take because of the way my mum had left me, and now Joanna too.
I spent a significant amount of time angry at myself - wondering if the problem lies with me, whether my life is fated to be around untrustworthy people. I hide in a hermit shell like a fucking cancer sign - always seeking comfort at home, dilly dallying and trying to study even though nothing goes in. I try to feel as passionate about German as I was - but even that dies out for me sometimes when I feel so disconnected with what I found so appealing about Germany.
But Germany remains a place of opportunities, and man I tell you, we really need to go there to expand. It's not some stupid fetish I arrived at - I genuinely think (and I know) that there's a lot to explore and learn over there. You might disagree with me... but that's alright. That's an argument for the future, and at the moment, we def need to come up with some hit music to get the ball rolling.
Oh shoot. It's past 3am in the morning. Fuck my life honestly. And what's the previous angry post I posted about? Oh yea, that was about my life. I'm gonna win the loser in me over.
Because I'm the fucking protagonist of my life, and not some supporting role for someone else's.
At this point I feel like just breaking down and cry - because no one knows how I feel. But my circumstances ain't shit to someone else in the motherfucking 3rd world or some people living in poverty... So you know what.
Fuck the loser, fuck him cause he ain't shit
Burn the corpses of Gods who wrote me a life script
Tear it into half... I perform my magic
My life can be beautiful instead of a tragic
Feeling static, hitting an old plateau
But the whale ain't gonna eat me, this small little krill
I could rob and steal and live without morals
Fuck societal expectations, prescribed principles
But I've said that at least a thousand times in my rhymes
A fucking hypocrite who commits the same crimes
I'm tired of the same routine and conversation
It's about time we have less talk and more action...
But somehow listening to rap and writing a few lines makes me feel a lot more optimistic.
Trying to get some sleep and study tomorrow. Cause I've been so fucking unproductive in the past 6 months or so.
I'm sorry I'm so uncommitted. Sorry to both you guys and myself. And I really don't want that anymore. And I want to throw everything away right now at this moment.
And aidan if you're reading this, I'm grateful anyone is even reading this almost defunct blog. Grateful, because I haven't been around for you during these lonely two years you were here, yet you stick up with all the bullshit and stuff like that.
I'm glad I had written to you when you were away in New Zealand. I'm glad I had met Yu Xiang, the rebellious and profanity-speaking kid at age 15. I'm glad I'm no longer that Chinese geek who reads martial arts novels alone in the library all day. I'm glad I started listening to rap and freestyling whack verses at yx's place. If not for that I don't think I'll know who I am. I'd probably still be pointing fingers at the sky and blaming my double-identity. and blaming my parents for placing me in an English-speaking society. Think about what my life would have been... had it not been the influence of Kinetik, and rap in my life.
I think about how my closed-mindset and always wanting to preserve my taiwanese-ness for some conservative fucked up reason. And you know, I get discouraged very easily over some small set-backs that you probably think are small issues.
You know, even though I haven't been writing much, I've been practicing my vocals and rapping over old songs just to improve on my articulation. I listen to my vocals, and I feel good that I'm vocalizing words a lot clearer these days. No more clearing the 'air' kind of weird tones, just plain rap. And I worry, because I've felt like this before; feeling confident about my flow and lyric skills, only to be let down when I stand up to the mic, or struggle to come up with verses during recording.
But I know there isn't anything called half-way there, and I really don't want to go back to the life I once had. Because I've changed so much, I kept asking if I even know myself anymore. And that kind of frightened me a little, so I thought that I had to come clean with y'all.
I'm secretly scared of a lot of things. Which is why I wanted to write something on 'cowardice'. Maybe it's got to do with all the deaths and betrayals I've experienced during the past 2 to 3 years or so - I get more and more pessimistic about being with people. Truth be told, I thought Joanna would be there for me during the hardest times for me, and at one childish time I thought to myself, yes, I'm gonna marry this girl. And then everything crumbled, even harder to take because of the way my mum had left me, and now Joanna too.
I spent a significant amount of time angry at myself - wondering if the problem lies with me, whether my life is fated to be around untrustworthy people. I hide in a hermit shell like a fucking cancer sign - always seeking comfort at home, dilly dallying and trying to study even though nothing goes in. I try to feel as passionate about German as I was - but even that dies out for me sometimes when I feel so disconnected with what I found so appealing about Germany.
But Germany remains a place of opportunities, and man I tell you, we really need to go there to expand. It's not some stupid fetish I arrived at - I genuinely think (and I know) that there's a lot to explore and learn over there. You might disagree with me... but that's alright. That's an argument for the future, and at the moment, we def need to come up with some hit music to get the ball rolling.
Oh shoot. It's past 3am in the morning. Fuck my life honestly. And what's the previous angry post I posted about? Oh yea, that was about my life. I'm gonna win the loser in me over.
Because I'm the fucking protagonist of my life, and not some supporting role for someone else's.
At this point I feel like just breaking down and cry - because no one knows how I feel. But my circumstances ain't shit to someone else in the motherfucking 3rd world or some people living in poverty... So you know what.
Fuck the loser, fuck him cause he ain't shit
Burn the corpses of Gods who wrote me a life script
Tear it into half... I perform my magic
My life can be beautiful instead of a tragic
Feeling static, hitting an old plateau
But the whale ain't gonna eat me, this small little krill
I could rob and steal and live without morals
Fuck societal expectations, prescribed principles
But I've said that at least a thousand times in my rhymes
A fucking hypocrite who commits the same crimes
I'm tired of the same routine and conversation
It's about time we have less talk and more action...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
好符合我目前心聲~
動力火車
作詞：吳梵
作曲：吳梵
編曲：洪敬堯
不再執著於昨天的癡狂
我的心像是台北的街頭
不知該往哪兒走
妳的心像閃爍的霓虹
叫人迷戀卻也迷惑
我沒有把握
轉載來自 ※ Mojim.com 魔鏡歌詞網
誰在慫恿夜的脆弱 撫平的傷又隱隱作痛
是誰說過不再回頭 還是讓妳淹沒了我
（將我淹沒）
想放棄卻不能甘心放手 留妳在夢中卻苦痛了我
等著傷心不如學會承受 反正妳不會是我的
想放棄卻不能甘心放手 留妳在夢中卻苦痛了我
等妳想起不如先忘記妳 反正離開妳的人是我
Monday, April 15, 2013
Eine Aufgabe von einer Freundin
You know they say it takes at least ten thousand hours
Building on the strengths and harnessing skills and powers
And you know how they say that graduate skill-less?
But how we supposed to learn under all this stress?
I mean, we learning useless stuff in college right?
But try "Public Speaking", and then pick up the mic
Without no rehearsal, no cue cards for referral
Appealing to the greater details of Aristole
The right confidence, but it ain't all that
Up there, the confidence that I thought I had
Vanishes quickly, then negativity rises
When I focus on what the final grade is
But now the semester draws a close, we disclose
I ain't the most awesome speaker, truth be told
But when I hear I echo Ethos, Pathos and Logos
I know I on the right track, speaking on a roll
And Dr. Trace-cee Loh, don't think I don't appreciate
I do, I thank you for what you disseminate
Ideas, tone, style, rationality and conviction
Public speaking, blown my mind out of proportion
Building on the strengths and harnessing skills and powers
And you know how they say that graduate skill-less?
But how we supposed to learn under all this stress?
I mean, we learning useless stuff in college right?
But try "Public Speaking", and then pick up the mic
Without no rehearsal, no cue cards for referral
Appealing to the greater details of Aristole
The right confidence, but it ain't all that
Up there, the confidence that I thought I had
Vanishes quickly, then negativity rises
When I focus on what the final grade is
But now the semester draws a close, we disclose
I ain't the most awesome speaker, truth be told
But when I hear I echo Ethos, Pathos and Logos
I know I on the right track, speaking on a roll
And Dr. Trace-cee Loh, don't think I don't appreciate
I do, I thank you for what you disseminate
Ideas, tone, style, rationality and conviction
Public speaking, blown my mind out of proportion
Wann kann ich gute Deutsch sprechen und lesen?
Manchmal frage ich mich, was ich mit meinem Leben machen.
Und ich freue mich auf den Tag, der ich gute Deutsch sprechen und lesen kann.
Morgen treffe ich mit Ryan, der einen guten Cellospieler ist, um unsere Referat zu üben.
Und ich freue mich auf den Tag, der ich gute Deutsch sprechen und lesen kann.
Morgen treffe ich mit Ryan, der einen guten Cellospieler ist, um unsere Referat zu üben.
Mauerbau
Aus dem GAP Blog (Die Post war am 31. Jan geschrieben, aber nur heute schreibe ich über dieses Youtube Video!)
"Wenn Sie sich mehr über die “ehemalige Berliner Mauer” informieren wollen, schauen Sie sich das Video an."
"Wenn Sie sich mehr über die “ehemalige Berliner Mauer” informieren wollen, schauen Sie sich das Video an."
Sunday, February 17, 2013
fuck you for not telling the truth
It's okay, I got it right anyway.
You never fought to keep me, and so I don't blame you.
Pretending that you were hurt and making everyone think it's my fault when you the one who wanted out.
But you don't fucking act like I've done anything wrong, cause I know I haven't, and you just fucking childish.
I think I made the right decision, cause instead of being there for me when I needed somebody, you try to put me on the test and then it backfired and you became a hater.
I even read you thank your friend for that. Just fucking childish cause you could have just dealt with it yourself.
Coward.
You never fought to keep me, and so I don't blame you.
Pretending that you were hurt and making everyone think it's my fault when you the one who wanted out.
But you don't fucking act like I've done anything wrong, cause I know I haven't, and you just fucking childish.
I think I made the right decision, cause instead of being there for me when I needed somebody, you try to put me on the test and then it backfired and you became a hater.
I even read you thank your friend for that. Just fucking childish cause you could have just dealt with it yourself.
Coward.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
godyouhatemeright
Untrustworthy, that's why the Bodhi tree
I had a conversation with a friend who believed
Empirical evidence, God's laws resonance
Do good right but forever be the devil dance
Felt pressure, at the jury of a shawshank
Plotted path, you do the math, tall order, balls shrank
At the mercy of your omnipotence
Mortal think tank, they watch us but who watch them
Love-hate relationship, grids on the battleship
Corrupt pigs with sugar rings, halos; that's a myth
Money driven fortune cookies, open box and you will see
QSH's path to eternity
The throne, race to the crown and overthrown
Scrutinize the chromosome, underneath the microscope
Missing ninjarous, hindrance, dangerous activities
Must be why tough love punishes and disciplines
Michel, please help, a beautiful mind, young and gay
Advancements backwards, the price that we pay
So which one, choose one you feel for and adore
Calendars, Mayan, sleeping on God's bathroom floors
Difficult years I will endure
Schwierigen Jahren ich werde ertragen
Empirical evidence, God's laws resonance
Do good right but forever be the devil dance
Felt pressure, at the jury of a shawshank
Plotted path, you do the math, tall order, balls shrank
At the mercy of your omnipotence
Mortal think tank, they watch us but who watch them
Love-hate relationship, grids on the battleship
Corrupt pigs with sugar rings, halos; that's a myth
Money driven fortune cookies, open box and you will see
QSH's path to eternity
The throne, race to the crown and overthrown
Scrutinize the chromosome, underneath the microscope
Missing ninjarous, hindrance, dangerous activities
Must be why tough love punishes and disciplines
Michel, please help, a beautiful mind, young and gay
Advancements backwards, the price that we pay
So which one, choose one you feel for and adore
Calendars, Mayan, sleeping on God's bathroom floors
Difficult years I will endure
Schwierigen Jahren ich werde ertragen
you must hate ugly, that's why you made me.
and i'm really convinced that god hates me
fuck you!
nah just kidding. i love you
fuck you!
nah just kidding. i love you
Friday, October 26, 2012
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