And now, I get a taste of that understanding. Some people don't dream at night, like I don't when I was busy with both school, aikido and family all at the same time. And once everything slows down, I'm having them really frequently, even during short naps I take after exercises and shit.
I think I'm addicted to dreams.
Dreaming about things that will never come back again.
Like my mother pulling me out of bed waking me up for school.
Like she waking me up from afternoon naps to have dinner.
Like she randomly calling me up when I was in my first NUS semester, asking me if I had the time to join her for lunch or dinner or tea outside.
Like she calling me up to buy some groceries or bubble tea.
Like she fetching me from home to my army camp.
Like she asking me to buy lottery tickets when the prize awards were really huge.
Like when the whole family went to Switzerland and Paris together cause that was the point in my life I knew I had a happy family.
Like when I looked forward to your dishes whenever you asked us to come up with a menu and then you would do your best to have a sumptuous dinner for us after a long day in school, but suddenly after shit happened you never cooked another dish for us ever again.
Like when you and I and sis would walk Angel together and discuss about the happenings in our life, and you telling me what a bitch Wanying was, and how manipulative/ gullible I was.
Like me telling you how lousy I felt when I was rejected by my first crush in secondary school, and your only calm response was 天涯何處無芳草？
Like you helping me with my Arts homework in primary school because even though I loved drawing, I never was good at it?
Like the first time the kids saw snow for the first time in our lives, and you played snowball fight with us in the Swiss snow.
Like you telling me to always have a positive outlook on life, until you yourself crashed and never picked yourself up again.
And after you left, the family's putting up a false image that everything's okay when nothing is okay. I know sometimes at night my sister cries to herself, wishing that she could go back to the days when you two spent so much time together. I know sometimes my lil brother is rebellious, because he wished he didn't take you for granted when you were there for him. I know dad is angry with an internal volcano erupting 24/7, but deep inside he loves you and hopes that one day you come to your senses. And as for me I've always treated you as my best friend, and others would get all jealous and envious that I had a cool mum like you did who would ask me to hang up my long calls, unless except if it was a conversation with another girl. A friend who I could share my thoughts, jokes and opinions with. Like my mother who would be cool and trustful of where I went to after school as long as I told her where I was going. You've changed, and the family aint gonna come back ever again.
Like my grandaunt who brought me to Da An Forest Park in Taipei, to feed the ducks when I was just a toddler. A toddler I may have been, but those memories are so vivid.
Like my grandaunt who would buy tons of Yakult just because I told her I loved it, but how she enjoyed watching me eat tonnes of food that she bought (though it made me really fat and chubby at the time).
Like how I would visit her every time I went back Taiwan because her health was reclining and she couldn't move around much except to grandma's place.
Like how we went over to your place after you were discharged from the hospital for the second time, and you were sharing with us your new soft toys that your grandchildren had given you.
Like how it was cool that some device was attached to your favorite soft toys so that you could call Aunt Xiaohua whenever you needed help. But still Aunt Xiaohua said you were always so reluctant to push the button and would always try to do things on your own because you didn't want to trouble her.
And after her death, I can only dream of the times she treated me well when she was healthy. And now all I could ever think of are the images of you lying lifeless on the hospital bed, while sis and I cry inside our hearts because I ain't never seen you in such a horrible state before. You didn't deserve to die the way you did, because you've always spent so much time and effort doing sports, scaling mountains, taking care of your children. The sight of Aunt Xiaohua always taking care of you was so heart-warming because you've done such a good job raising your children, and now when it's her turn to take care of you, she decided to quit her job so that she could always be by your side. But I couldn't.
Like when she confessed that she liked me too in the rain under the basilica Sacre Coeur Paris.
Like when she and I ditched our friends to have a date at the Eiffel Tower.
Like when she would still call me when I was busy teaching the kids.
Like when we held each other's hands throughout the entire journey back home from Europe and I could feel my sweat in her palms.
Like when she called me at nights during my first ICT.
Like when she told me she loved me, but I told her I couldn't say the same to her until I was sure that she was the right girl. And eventually I did, but, was it all bad-timing?
Like when we had our first date in Singapore along the beach and were just lying on the rock and stargazing, sharing our life before all this sharing became 'reporting'.
Like when she cried telling me that she wants to take the same German class as me but could not because I had to take care of my family in the afternoon and evenings.
Like when she just wanted to spend more time talking to me, but I was just exhausted from school, aikido, tuition and the family, and calling almost every motherfucker out there just to beg my mum to come back home.
And somehow, when I thought she would love me forever and that I was going to marry her, things changed and she didn't love me anymore. At the point of time, it hurt me so bad that she didn't do anything to salvage the relationship, but instead, she went on ignoring me. On hindsight, don't blame me for hurting you; you didn't love me enough to want me back. And so the only regret I have is to have loved someone who never really loved me in the first place.So stop acting like you're the victim, when you acted the way you did and then have your friend telling some other NYJC friends about how I was rejected at your door step, because they came up to ask if it was true. I loved you, and at the point in time, it was all true. All the more I'm glad that I've let you free.
Like when I first got to know John at an interview - yes - at the hospital, and I ain't never been to a hospital since my grandaunt because I hate the feeling of my memories locked in there. But how I would come to respect a teacher whom I barely knew, but from my conversation with your wife and your students, I would know that you're a dedicated teacher who spent loads of time and effort on teaching.
Like when I was teaching tuition and the kids loved the way I taught, and always asked me to extend the class or have an extra class - sorry I just didnt have the time and energy to put in extra effort. Though I'm glad the extra oral lessons helped you guys a little.
Like when I received news from them that they all have improved their grades for PSLE English.
And I know I'll never get another enjoyable tuition class like you guys. I'll probably never go back to teaching at a lower level again, and John, you were an amazing employer even though I was on my own teaching the kids for most of the time, especially after you were gone. Thank you for giving me the opportunity, and even though I still don't know if teaching is meant for me, I'm glad I had a taste of what it's like.
Like when I was always down and blue we would just say, 'hey, how about some kalua'?
Like how I would ask her out on valentines day to hang out because I didn't know better - and I was just thinking of asking a good girl-friend out for a meal before she would leave Singapore for good.
Like when we had our last kalua session and your poured your heart out telling me about your fears and shit. And how time flew so fast since we met each other in JC.
Like when she left for Korea, and I think we were almost this close to being a couple - but fortunately we did not, otherwise I think things would have turned out really awkward for us.
Like when she scolded me for some weird reasons I couldn't understand, but came back to reread them and understand them a lot better after joanna and i broke up.
Sometimes we all need to learn painful lessons.
Now I'm more independent, dealing with all this shit on my own but I've still gotta stay positive. Some friends don't understand exactly what happened to cause me to disappear from their groups since my busy times. And fuck it, whatever man. You guys never understood, never tried to understand, then blame me. I don't need lousy friends like you.
Don't come up to me calling me 'oppa' and shit when you never gave a shit about me - cause you're more concerned about your relationship with your friend than whether your friend is doing the right thing or not. Face it, you're not gonna call me out of the blue to chat. Wait, you never even bothered replying to my texts or my calls. You're not gonna ask me out for coffee. Naw, friendship ain't all that.
So I'm ditching the past and starting from scratch.
And it's just me, my mind, my raps and my rhymes. And this addiction to dreams that I've gotta quit.
