What am I to do?

What am I to do with all these left over feelings for you?

Sent you a message yesterday..
You didn't reply.
Today I asked you again.
All you gave was: 'i could barely open my eyes yday. sry'.
Now do you know how much does this means to me?
You can glance a million times at everything.. At him..
But my message?

You're sick.
I try to show concern.
I want you to know, I'm probably the only person (besides your mum) who cares about you.
Remember you told me: 'I didn't know that there was someone who treasured me so much'?
Well let me tell you this.
If there was anyone who treasured you so much, it's me.
I really treasure the times I spent talking to you.. Those messages.. I don't keep them..
But that doesn't mean that I don't treasure them..

I just don't wanna be exposed or exploited.

Because I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all these feelings that are left for you..

Last week's oral question was
'is there anything you wanted to tell someone so badly.. But you didnt?'

It took me no time at all to say that it's reserved for you.
"What am I to do with all these feelings I have left for you?"

I've never had any experience with this..
"Chances are what you give yourself, not what comes to you.."
I've missed my glaring chance to sieze that opportunity, but I just had to be so late.
Too late..
"so what am I to do with all these feelings I have left for you?"

The promises you make.. Always so promising on the surface..
Beneath it, there is where I see through you.
'coz it's empty.
"so what am I to do with all these feelings I have left for you?"

Someone at my desk told me that
"Dun worry lars. I'm sure you'll find another girl", with a big smiley face =)
but you're simply too special.
"What am I to do with all these feelings I have left for you?"

Love is an illusion.. It's a desire.. A sin?
Coz people feel ashamed about their sins..
And I'm ashamed at my failure.
They say failures are meant to spur you to overcome even more obstacles in the future?
What if it doesn't?
It's just an illusion that everyone should try to evade, everyone should try to forget.
It makes you regret, all allusion that breaks you out in cold sweat..
I wake up, with my whole body wet..
It's been difficult to get by these months..
I can't get enough sleep.
Then I ask myself:
"What am I supposed to do with all these feelings I have left for you?"

I shall control fate and hope.. and never will let them control me... -quote contributed by Alex.

Reposed Saturday

This Saturday.
Not that it's been a very special one.
It was just another one of those days.
Quiet. Reposed. A day of tranquil.

Woke up at 11am.
It's been very long since I managed to sleep till so late.
I practiced until I managed to play '天黑黑'.. Feel so happy =)
Coz I'm just gonna practice to play until I master all the songs in the book u gave me..
I really can't wait to play for you.. I'm looking forward to it.
And I really wonder if you think the same? I doubt so.

Anyway this Saturday is a emotion-free one. So I shall not talk about you.

Then went for guitar lesson.
Learnt how to play 'Welcome To My Life'! Kinda having a feeling for that song.. Maybe because of its lyrics? Or maybe its tune. Then I realised it's so easy to play! I love the chorus part especially! Hmms.. But today only 5 of us turned up for the lesson.. Where you go Jonathan? No one to talk to me in lesson today lehs. Lolx.

Then I went Bedok to play pool with Katherine, Guo Hao, Benny.
Whoot! Guo Hao you're really GOD-LIKE. You really rock lars. I was totally thrashed by 6 balls. But that was partially due to the aching I'm suffering from yesterday's workout. Not fair! =x

Hahs. But today was feeling great while playing pool. Managed to get Benny to play for the first time also! Although everyone was rather 'cold' as we played, but I felt really good.. It was just.. so carefree. I hope everyday can be the same. =)

Hahas anyway started to talk to this friend like how much we used to talk to each other last time. Felt great too. =) But never imagined him to fall for you too. Hahas. You've got plenty of admirers eh? But if it was him you chose, i wouldnt have complained. But look at the type of person you've become? Maybe one day you'll be more mature.. And then. I hope you'll be able to see.. That I've been waiting for you. Right Here Waiting.

Reposed Saturday.
I'm outie..
Peace.

Birthday, CCA Farewell Dinner and the biggest fact

Yesterday was my birthday.
Sorry for posting so late, cause I was totally exhausted from CCA Farewell Dinner.
The dinner was quite nice I must say. Except for some parts. But well.. Yea.

But nvm.
First of all I'd like to thank those who have given me presents for my birthday. Not that presents/ gifts really matter to me. I'm not that type of materialistic person either. So yea.
Here goes.

• 筑楓：

謝謝你的卡片！真的好久沒收到生日卡片了。每次都是收到生日禮物,但是都沒收到生日卡片。其實，生日禮物對我來說，比不上寫在生日卡片上的祝賀=) 一張生日卡片上，你的心意，我能深深地感受到。雖然一張卡片或許不值少錢，但上面寫了你心中最真心的話，卻成了寶物。=)

不過，我真得很想說，你可能真的還不夠了解我.. 雖然有些難聽，但我覺得我們其實沒那麽熟..不過我們因爲都是臺灣人喲~！

但是..我真的得說，我跟你比較熟。雖然郁辰在我班，不過因爲班上同學的指指點點，造成我和她之間的‘疏遠’..我們在班上都沒說什麽話..這份友誼真的很難維持..有時候想起來還真得滿令我慚愧。=(

還有，下次回去臺灣一定要一起出去！就去六福村吧！我也有好幾年沒去那了耶~
聽説郁辰和 michelle 他們也要去臺灣..到時就一起去吧！=)

總之，真得很謝謝你的生日卡片。
我會很珍惜這份‘禮物’的！

• Cadence

Hey thanks for the Snickers! Although it was rather. Erm. Abrupt, but it's still very nice of you for that. I won't bear to eat it. It'll be kept in my fridge until. Erm. The day before the expiry date? Lolx. But yea. Very much appreciated. =)

• You (and ur friend?)

I try to avoid you. Coz the sight of you, your messages, your things, everything about you.. Are so reminiscent about the things you have said.. I dont wanna see you again. It really hurts. But nonetheless, you still gave a present.. Something you promised. For once. You have kept your promise. But what hurts me the most was that it wasn't given to me directly. It had to passed to me by someone else. Now what is it that you're implying? You're too ashamed to see me? Now look who's more ashamed?

This is the most excruciating birthday gift I have received in my whole entire life.. 'cause you don't know how much it hurts, when it'll come down hard on you. But still, I'll try to learn all the songs asap.. And maybe one day.. I'll play for you.. If you give me the permission to do so.

I'd just like you to know.. Everytime you say something, you mean something else. I don't wanna play these kinda mind games anymore. When I sms you, you try to cut-short the conversation. Now what am I supposed to do when you keep doing that? I've had enough of all these.. I'm tired of your nonsense. You liar.

The CCA Farewell Dinner was great.
Organisation was great, everything worked out well and smoothly.. The best part of all was the birthday cake part.. So emotional! Thanks Diana for making it happen! =) Hmm.. I didnt know that Han Kuan's Birthday was this Sunday! =) Now at least I know.

The gifts given out were absolutely wonderful! The card was equisite, the pen was very nice! Y'all even went as far as printing the words 'Temasek Shooting Club' on the pen! Parker brand somemore! =)

However.. The CCA Farewell Dinner also reminded me of one big fact that many fail to realise.. I hope those who read this blog will understand and think about this fact:

Everyone is alone.

Throughout the whole dinner and ceremony.. I realised that.. Many people are alone. Appearing sociable, chatting loudly away in one corner.. And in the other.. People being left out. Lonesome, looking dejected. And those kids who fail to do the admixture, solitaire, making it obvious. But it was too.. For the rest. People try to hide the loneliness in them. But nothing escapes me. Now think about it. And a sense of regret fills within me to leave the lower sec kids out.. So much for Mr Soh treating us the dinner. And this is how we repay back. =x hais..

Asian Civilisation Museum.. The Kids.. And you?

Today we went to Asian Civilisation Museum.. To guide the Temasek Primary School Kids around the place.. And teach them something about the culture.. I never really thought about that though. Just wanted to talk to people.. Innocent people.. Ignorant they maybe, about the world outside, but I was rather surprised that they actually knew quite a lot of things (Irony here?)!

For example, I was talking to one kid about the planets.. Not like I wanted to talk about it, but he asked me about it.. Well.. Anyway. His friend said there are 9 planets in the universe. He actually out-smarted him by saying that there's a 10th planet (the 10th planet, UB313, discovered in 2003). *Check out this website http://www.gps.caltech.edu/~mbrown/planetlila/* I was amazed that a 10 year old kid who actually know about this! He actually reads about it!

Then we just spent about an hour with the kids.. Tried to explain some points about the questions on the worksheets.. But the guys. -hais- Kept pressing me for the answers. Oh well.. Kids are getting too practical nowadays. 'Cause of this society that's going crazy.

Anyway, thanks to Samuel for making this trip.. Well.. Just not lonely. It's always nice to have a companion. =) Thanks Samuel!

Hmm.. Then on the bus.. You sent me a message.. You tried to pick up a random conversation with me.. But somehow. It just never feels right..
Then later I boarded the same bus with your someone.. Somehow.. No matter how I look at him.. He just doesn't seem the type of person you'd fall for.. Not the type of person that'll suit you.. I'm not trying to say he doesn't deserve you.. But somehow.. I feel I'm a better option.. But I guess.. Life's unfair. It never is. He's a damn bloody anti-social. Too quiet, never talks.. Taking a glimpse at his fingers typing on the keypad of the handphone at an average speed.. I guess.. He's worthy of you? I'm not sure..

If that's what you want, there's nothing I can do..
Tomorrow's my birthday.
You actually remembered..
Not that it mattered to me.
But you asked 'any wishes?'
I replied 'not really.. Just wanna to always be able to be with my friends. Always.'

Well that was a lie.
If I could let you know,

What I really wanted to reply was... ... ... ... ... ...














































































"You."

Jealousy Woes

You always can't keep your words real..
The people around you.. makes me angry, frustrated, jealous, with intent zealous..
Everytime you give me a smile,
I chill down..
But then I think about it..
Jealousy woes..
Sentimental kills..

I think about it.
Fear is half of fury.
I'm not a coward.. I don't wanna fear anything..
I'm not like him..
Always scared of losing you..
I used to say I'm afraid of losing you, but that'll make me dependent.
Your words are reminiscent.
I'm alone. 'Cause you don't give a damn about my existence..
So why should I?









'Cause I love you.







You say you detest liars.
But what's gotten into you?
You can't teach what you preach.
Then lies after lies, one time after another, again and again, your lies sting me my heart..

You say you love talking to me.
You said I'll always be the first person that'll come to your mind when you're down, and when you need someone to confide in. Is that true? We can't get back to what we once were, and we can never ever talk like we once did in the past. All that nonsense has become a thing of the past..
I guess, I'm not important to you anyway.
You said you never knew your someone else would treasure you this much.
Now I'm telling you I treasure you more than anyone else..
Who would believe? Who would buy it?
I see through you, deep inside you want me to leave your life.
What friendship?
I hate this kind of friendship.

It's never been stabilised, this story you think it's fable-lised.
Your love make me paralysed, your empty promises analysed?
I've already paid my price to attempt to have you, where's my prize?
Please keep words precise, I've said 'I Love You' so many times
Beginner rhymer, beginner lover, just another love player,
Words, held dormant, like arrows ready to fire, those dire news
Never knew someone as special as you, you've got someone else, don't you?
I love you, it's true, then you bemuse, I'ma confused with emotions all fused
Your movements, love, touch, can't preview, it's too hard to review
Goodbye, goodluck, maybe you're happy.. Maybe one day I'll pull it through..

Stay happy and strong.
And so will I.

To..

To: ...
Address: Your heart.

Time flies.
3 months. Just like that.
And I regret having known you personally, because I never expected things to happen this way.

And now, 3 months have gone, 3 years since we first met. The picture faints gradually, but permanently imprinted on the back of my mind. Ironic, isn't it?
Because even if I do manage to rub away the picture, the marks encraved will never go away. Never. You told me feelings will go away, but do you ever see the resemblence of that masterpiece to what you have left for me?

From now, you have lost my trust, because of the many promises you have broken, because of the so many lies you have conversed through your messages. I have probably lost your trust too, for what I have said, and for being your main source of pain. But who would have predicted to know, that you never kept your words real? I will accompany you forever, giving you my support whenever you need, whenever you think of me (if you ever do), but you never tell me when you need it. So obviously I don't show them to you. But I want you to know, it does exist.

This friendship is hard to maintain and stabalise. Soon, it shall reach a point where neither of us will ever keep in contact again. I shall not waste any of your messages by starting a conversation, partly because it's hard to ever talk like a friend again, but mainly because you need them for someone else.. Ever since becoming someone else's someone else, you've probably forgotten me.. Although you've let me down for countless times, I still insist on standing by your side.

If we ever keep in touch again in the future, I hope it at least represents that of a friend. I don't ask for more, I just want to see and know what your life's like, and to make sure that you're happy.. The reason for me giving in to you, is in the hope that you'd be happier. With my treasure held in his pair of safe hands, I'll be happier.. But if something happens, I hope, whether happy or sad, I'll be the person you'll confide in. My bank of secrets, specially reserved for you, will be the safest, and the most secure anyone can ever find.

If I should write a letter to inform you I'll be leaving, this is it.
I'll be leaving your heart for good. Unless you want me back, either as a friend or as someone else who's position in your heart has risen, I'll never return. Forgive me as I gain my freedom from guilt.

With my blessings and the best of wishes, stay happy.

Your sincerely,
My heart