no apologies

I'm losing sleep for no reason man.. Fucking worried I'm falling into depression again.

But somehow listening to rap and writing a few lines makes me feel a lot more optimistic.

Trying to get some sleep and study tomorrow. Cause I've been so fucking unproductive in the past 6 months or so.

I'm sorry I'm so uncommitted. Sorry to both you guys and myself. And I really don't want that anymore. And I want to throw everything away right now at this moment.

And aidan if you're reading this, I'm grateful anyone is even reading this almost defunct blog. Grateful, because I haven't been around for you during these lonely two years you were here, yet you stick up with all the bullshit and stuff like that.

I'm glad I had written to you when you were away in New Zealand. I'm glad I had met Yu Xiang, the rebellious and profanity-speaking kid at age 15. I'm glad I'm no longer that Chinese geek who reads martial arts novels alone in the library all day. I'm glad I started listening to rap and freestyling whack verses at yx's place. If not for that I don't think I'll know who I am. I'd probably still be pointing fingers at the sky and blaming my double-identity. and blaming my parents for placing me in an English-speaking society. Think about what my life would have been... had it not been the influence of Kinetik, and rap in my life.

I think about how my closed-mindset and always wanting to preserve my taiwanese-ness for some conservative fucked up reason. And you know, I get discouraged very easily over some small set-backs that you probably think are small issues.

You know, even though I haven't been writing much, I've been practicing my vocals and rapping over old songs just to improve on my articulation. I listen to my vocals, and I feel good that I'm vocalizing words a lot clearer these days. No more clearing the 'air' kind of weird tones, just plain rap. And I worry, because I've felt like this before; feeling confident about my flow and lyric skills, only to be let down when I stand up to the mic, or struggle to come up with verses during recording.

But I know there isn't anything called half-way there, and I really don't want to go back to the life I once had. Because I've changed so much, I kept asking if I even know myself anymore. And that kind of frightened me a little, so I thought that I had to come clean with y'all.

I'm secretly scared of a lot of things. Which is why I wanted to write something on 'cowardice'. Maybe it's got to do with all the deaths and betrayals I've experienced during the past 2 to 3 years or so - I get more and more pessimistic about being with people. Truth be told, I thought Joanna would be there for me during the hardest times for me, and at one childish time I thought to myself, yes, I'm gonna marry this girl. And then everything crumbled, even harder to take because of the way my mum had left me, and now Joanna too.

I spent a significant amount of time angry at myself - wondering if the problem lies with me, whether my life is fated to be around untrustworthy people. I hide in a hermit shell like a fucking cancer sign - always seeking comfort at home, dilly dallying and trying to study even though nothing goes in. I try to feel as passionate about German as I was - but even that dies out for me sometimes when I feel so disconnected with what I found so appealing about Germany.

But Germany remains a place of opportunities, and man I tell you, we really need to go there to expand. It's not some stupid fetish I arrived at - I genuinely think (and I know) that there's a lot to explore and learn over there. You might disagree with me... but that's alright. That's an argument for the future, and at the moment, we def need to come up with some hit music to get the ball rolling.

Oh shoot. It's past 3am in the morning. Fuck my life honestly. And what's the previous angry post I posted about? Oh yea, that was about my life. I'm gonna win the loser in me over.

Because I'm the fucking protagonist of my life, and not some supporting role for someone else's.

At this point I feel like just breaking down and cry - because no one knows how I feel. But my circumstances ain't shit to someone else in the motherfucking 3rd world or some people living in poverty... So you know what.

Fuck the loser, fuck him cause he ain't shit
Burn the corpses of Gods who wrote me a life script
Tear it into half... I perform my magic
My life can be beautiful instead of a tragic
Feeling static, hitting an old plateau
But the whale ain't gonna eat me, this small little krill
I could rob and steal and live without morals
Fuck societal expectations, prescribed principles
But I've said that at least a thousand times in my rhymes
A fucking hypocrite who commits the same crimes
I'm tired of the same routine and conversation
It's about time we have less talk and more action...