Glück ist kein Zustand

"Glück ist kein Zustand zu erreichen, sondern eine Weise des Reisens."
"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling."

- Margaret Lee Runbeck

it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

actors and actresses

Do you ever wonder if you're just an actor in this well scripted god damn movie.?

the number 361

random thought about anger.

then i realized, that my anger wasn't as much anger than it was disappointment.

Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives

Because life is no Disney. Life is no Hollywood.

So did we come to this world.. To learn? Or to suffer?

I think it's great to be child-like (not childish). But like the author says:
"Living Disney movies in our minds, and tragedies in our lives"

Aint no bed of roses, get the skin off your noses. And if I ever forget what a relationship, I will read these to remind myself:

1. I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married (http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/)
2. 10 Ways To Avoid Marrying The Wrong Person (http://muslimvillage.com/2011/10/27/15806/10-ways-to-avoid-marrying-the-wrong-person/)
3. How To Know If You're Marrying The Right Person (http://marriage.about.com/od/choosingyourspouse/a/rightperson.htm)

But haha what do I know. Sometimes as a rationale person I do fantasize about marrying huh hahaha. Gott focus on my personal development first.

I don't know if Reiki is for real, but I'll keep working!

every star can shine

I watch the clouds gather up in the sky
And I try harder to let this moment slip by
I wonder if there really is a paradise
Or if the promises of an after-life just fat lies

I thought I knew what love felt like
A process waiting for the pain to subside
Hoping to sedate the sorrows I feel inside
Hoping to see a shimmer of glittering light

Reminisce about a broken promise
Memories stored clear like in a compact disc
Sadness of a prisoner trapped in a cell
Relinquish is the only ticket out of hell

I thought I knew what freedom felt like
A state of mind abstaining from personal pride
Hoping to break from what we left behind
Hoping to see that every star.. every star can shine

no contradiction

there's no contradiction as long you accept what lies within and see it as perfection

to the gang, continue hoping.

This post is meant for the gang. Yep you guys have already received this message, but I thought I should document it as a part of my growing up process.




"Today yongjie called me about booking accommodation in Taipei (sorry about forgetting to reply your message)

This might make me sound old (I am), but I've been thinking about the times after ord when we were so carefree and all our worries were about which uni we were attending, who's chasing which girl, where we want to travel to, where to hold our 21st birthday parties, what to buy as presents etc. and suddenly all these worries feel so puny, so little.. and so.. trivial.

Then I realize life is so much more complicated than it already was, and there's so much more things out there to worry about and to do. I can't return to Taiwan anymore, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with all these things and feelings and.. I just miss those times.

I'm glad we've had these happy times before. Whether it's something unforgettable like the taiwan trip, or those ordinary times like our basketball or soccer sessions during recess and after graduation, movies, or just hanging out at szejun's place.

I miss them; I miss them all. I miss hanging out with you guys, and I hope all of you are doing well."




But that boy is long gone, and I'm now a man of responsibilities. Sure some burden's off my shoulder as well, now that Dage is back in Singapore and working. And selfishly all I ever wanted to be was to be a normal student like everyone else, hanging out with friends till the whee hours, celebrating birthdays and all that shit. They tell me I shouldn't let this affect my daily routines, and I carry on doing the things I need to do.

And as I sent dad to the airport and watched his tired and lonely figure head towards the gate, I feel sorry. That hug meant a lot to me, and, it's hurts to say this, but I don't think I would have understood you the man that you are if it wasn't for the past year. It's not anybody's fault, but I'm really sorry I can't do anything for you. Not now at least. Please wait for me as I overcome these puny obstacles one at a time.



Randomly Shing02's "Luv Sic Part 2" comes into my mind, as I hum to these 2 stanzas I love the most:
"Every morn I awake from a cavernous night
Sometimes still pondering the previous plight
Seems life done changed, long time no speak
Nowadays I often forget the day of the week"

"That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... (we need it so we don't forget); forget that there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours... (and that's) hope."
- Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.

So evidently

Speak of l.o.v.e. so easily
Give up l.o.v.e. so readily

Einbahnstraße

Feel the coldness of the night breeze, I freeze
When I feel the warmth of your body that you release
I think of the morning rays that used to symbolize hope
But I feel squeezed at the pit bottom of the rhizome
How did this happen faster than I could ink
How did they turn their back against us in a blink
I sink, I sank, I sunk, sixty six feet deep
A coast to toast, here's to your warm blooded weeps
The vinyl plays that shit on repeat, looping that shit
Thinking why I ain't moved, you're so pathetic
Don't be sympathetic, just be empathetic
I know you feeling the same lone in your stomach's pit
So take it easy, make it easy for both you and me
And one day the world would be a better place to be

That's the only direction it can take. It's the only one it must take.

I can't miss you enough.

I don't know why these pictures always makes me want to cry in tears of both sorrow and joy. I was just.. bored and sick of all the school work I decided to message Sabine and ask if they celebrate Halloween as well. That was all.

And then she sends me back pictures of the their Halloween preparations and quite honestly, I was literally ROTFL when I saw the picture of little Leo dressed in his skeleton costume. I got up, instantly shared these pictures with Cheryl and Jeslyn (without Sabine's permission, heh). I just couldnt contain the gush of happiness I felt seeing the fun they're having.

Gosh I miss Münster.

Just pondering a question in my head these few days after conversations with Druga, Jeslyn and Wai Kit as I've somehow met them relatively frequently this semester. I wonder if it's just me holding on tightly to these special memories of Münster, or if everyone else feels the same. Certainly for Druga and Jeslyn I'm sure it meant a lot to them; but for the rest.. I'm not sure anymore.

I think of the last day when we departed Münster for our other respective destinations, and I recall everyone promising themselves that they will one day return to this magical place and visit their host families. Yeah bullshit. Some day when everyone's gotten a job, had the opportunity to travel as widely as they want and can, perhaps this place will just be reduced to "a trip" we had to Europe.

But to me it will always be THE trip.

It's the space and time that all comes together to make sense to everything. And I thank NUS and Wipdaf for making all of these happen. Which is why I will always write letters and cards to them over the festive seasons to greet them and ask them how they are doing. Perhaps it would all have been better if things didn't happen back at home, but well.. everything must have happened for a reason. I've seized it; I've made the best of my opportunity learning the language, being exposed to the culture and all... And with the company of the other students and our host families, really, how can anyone forget this place or the people?

And yet, some do. Memories somehow feel so surreal and overrated. I recall Kat used to love this quote: "Feelings will go away, but memories will stay", and even though we're not even friends now, I still remember a lot of these little things that happen in my life. Yet memories... don't mean anything at all. In the end, one simply 'undo' these memories by untagging themselves off pictures, and deleting them. It's that simple.

Nothing is eternal, but I'm glad I made the trip to Paris even though I was so reluctant to. I just knew these god damn memories will get back at me at Paris, but still, I'm glad even newer memories came into the frame. But we sink back into reality back home, and soon. These memories fade, and reduce to nothingness.

So perhaps it's time to go.. Or is it yet?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that Friday after Halloween, I went to meet up with Jeslyn after Aikido training to have supper/ coffee at Holland Village. Somehow I was feeling down that I was among the 3 other seniors who turned up for training today. Siyuan left early, and I felt so alone that my other friends, Sarun in particular, had left the club.

I miss those days training with him; he was always a joy to have at training, and someone funny, jovial yet mature. Someone whom I felt comfortable working and planning all the CCA activities with, someone I felt I could confide my relationship problems in. He is afterall, much older than we are for a year one student, haha. Out of the blue I decided to text him, and asked him if we could meet for breakfast or something before the semester ends. Man is he busy since he got attached haha. But well, I can understand how people change their priorities. I'm glad he's found something else that he enjoys doing :) We'll definitely meet for breakfast @ Tembusu again haha.

Anyways, it's always a pleasure chatting with Jeslyn, and I felt so much better after the long conversation (we left Xin Wang HK Cafe at about 1:40 am or something I think). Tried to get Sita to come along but she was busy, sigh. But we'll have plenty of chances in Sem II before I head off to Germany I'm sure.

Thanks Jeslyn for being my friend.

And, on a random note, if Aidan you're reading (you're the only loyal fan I know of this blog haha), I hope you're doing fine. Can't wait to meet you back in Singapore.

Cheers to health and peace. Because they're the most important of all. and then comes your principles and values. I'm happy that you're happy, my friends.

再見了，泰順街

你們也搬家了。我們以前盡力捍衛的家園也賣掉了，也該是分錢的時候了。

我們常把回憶挂在嘴邊，但或許..我們大家太高估每一段美麗的回憶了，因爲到最後... 還有誰記得以前一切的一切呢

到底是爲了誰，到底是爲了什麽，把家裏搞到這樣呢

只希望總有一天會風平浪靜

再見了，泰順街。

再見了，我的童年。

我們向前走吧

week 9?!

from the heavens to the world to the heavens again
from the ending to the ending, never got to begin

sense the serene

Am I a dreamer? Dreaming about the good life
Beautiful house, beautiful children, with a beautiful wife
Far away from the miseries of the shallow cities
Far away from nine to fivers in the cubicle office
But this stress arises cause I'm here tryna be there
Sweating a future I'm not sure will even be there
I hear that global warming 'bout to burn us up
And the climate's changing; the future is dark
This inertia's problematic cause I don't wanna think
Hoping today's sorrows will flow through this ink
But each moment's beautiful like each beautiful wink
Perfectly disguised as hell if you find the missing link
It always happens after the death of your own time
And after you find the missing depth of your dimes
I fear for a future that has no 'you' and 'i' in it
But for now I sense the serene in every single minute

lovers and friends from start to end

that's why you should sleep early. keeps you from having these crazy thoughts.

and yes i still miss y'all.

金言幾句

今天閲到這幾句金言，好像還蠻值得參考學習~

*********************************
人在什麼時候最清醒?

1、天災降臨後。2、東窗事發後。3、大禍臨頭後。4、重病纏身後。
5、遭受重挫後。6、退休閒暇後。

人在什麼時候最糊塗?

1、春風得意時。2、來錢容易時。3、得權專橫時。4、迷戀情愛時。
5、想佔便宜時。6、老年癡呆時。

**********************************

一語道破！

1、世界上難以---自拔的，除了牙齒，還有愛情。

2、廢話，是人際交往的第一句話。

3、現實中，人們用真名講假話；虛擬中，人們用假名講真話。

4、生時---何需久睡，死後---自會長眠。

5、痛苦，本來就是清醒的人，才能擁有的享受。

6、大學就是---大概學學。

7、所謂長大，就是你知道那是什麼事；
所謂成熟，就是你知道後，故意說不知道。

8、感情經得起風雨，卻經不起平淡；
友情經得起平淡，卻經不起風雨。

9、願意留下來，跟你吵的人，才是真正愛你的人。
在乎你，才爭才吵。留下來的，是不離不棄。

10、謊言與誓言的區別在於：
一個是聽的人--當真了，一個是說的人--當真了。

11、回憶，是通往寂寞的牢。

12、對自己好點，因為，一輩子---不長；
對身邊的人好點，因為~下輩子不一定能---碰到。

a place without tears

Call this sentimental, call this emotional
They call whatever they want it, it's personal
But never for a second do I doubt this feeling
'Cause it's hard moving on from the previous reeling
The sun rays tell me each day will only get better
But every night that passes gets bitter and bitter
Empty promises on letters, now just waste papers
Hoping someday we'll meet in a place without tears

243

this is for the people always feeling trapped
got nowhere better to go so we always go back
piling stacks of life, resourcefully abundant
but can't help always feeling this redundant
that shit repugnant, gliding through great disruptions
the only proof you see is in that manifestation
this congregation of constructed institutions
is killing my natural instincts and intuition
rolling forward but retarded in inertia
developed by my habit of developing pyrexia
it comes from nowhere and suddenly, kaboom
like a dormant spore only destined to bloom
but i'm honestly sick of waiting for shit to happen
an opened can of worms sinking right in tandem
needing oxygen to sustain my resurrection
but always waking up to this god-damn situation

우산

어느새 빗물이    내 발목에 고이고
oneusae pitmuli  nae balmoke koyigo
참았던 눈물이    내 눈가에 고이고
chamatton nunmuli        nae nungae kohigo
I cry~


텅빈 방엔 시계소리       지붕과 입 맞추는 비의 소리
tongpin bangen shigyosori       shibongwa ip machuneun biwi sori
오랜만에 입은       코트 주머니속에 반지
oraenmane ibeun       koteu chumonisoge panchi
손틈새 스며드는 memory       며칠만에 나서보는 밤의 서울
sonteumsae seumyodeuneun memory       myochlmane nasoboneun pami seoul
고인 빗물은 작은 거울       그 속에 난 비틀거리며
goin pitmuleun chaneun koul       geu sone nan pikeulgorimyo
아프니까 그대 없이 난       한쪽 다리가 짧은 의자
apeunigga geudae obni nan       hanchok daliga chapleun uicha
둘이서 쓰긴 작았던 우산       차가운 세상에 섬 같았던 우산
dulishi sseugin chagatton usan       chagaun sesange som gatatton usan
이젠 너무 크고 어색해       그대 곁에 늘 젖어있던 왼쪽어깨
yichen nomu geuko osaenhae       geutae gyote neul chotoyitton winchokottae
기억의 무게에 고개 숙여보니       버려진듯 풀어진 내 신발끈
gionui mukehe kokae sukyoponi       poryochindeut pulochin nae shinbalggeun
허나 곁엔 오직 비와 바람 없다       잠시라도 우산을 들어 줄 사람
hona gyoten oshin piwa param opda       chamsirado usaneul deul chul saram
and I cry~


어느새 빗물이       내 발목에 고이고
oneusae pitmuli       nae palmoge goyigo
참았던 눈물이       내 눈가에 고이고
chamatton nunmuli       nae nungae goyigo
I cry~

그대는 내 머리위에 우산       어깨위에 차가운 비 내리는 밤
geudaeneun nae moriwie usan       oggaewie chagaun bi naerineun bam
내 곁에 그대가       습관이 되어버린 나
nae gyote geutaega       seupgwani dwioborin na
난 그대없이는 안되요       
nan geudaeopineun andwiyo

alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
girl i just want you to know
alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
and i just can't let you go


하늘의 눈물이 고인 땅       별을 감춘 구름에 보인 달
haneului nunmuli koin ttang      pyoreul gamchun guleume boin dal 
골목길 홀로 외로운 구두 소리       메아리에 돌아보며
golmongil hollo uiloun gudu sori       mearie dolabomyo
가슴 졸인 맘       나를 꼭 닮은 그림자
gaseum cholin mam       nareul ggon damreun geulimcha
서로가 서로를 볼 수 없었던       우리가
soroga soroleul pol su opsotton       uliga
이제야 둘인가       대답을 그리다
icheya dulinga       daedapeul geurida
머리 속 그림과 대답을 흐린다       내 눈엔 너무 컸던 우산
mori sok geulimgwa daedapeul heurinda       nae nunen nomu kotton usan
날 울린 세상을 향해 접던 우산       영원의 약속에 활짝 폈던 우산
nal urrin sesangeul hyanghae chopton usan       yongwonui yaksoke hwalchak pyotton usan
이제는 찢겨진 우산       아래 두 맘
icheneun chitgyashin usan       arae du mam
돌아봐도 이제는 없겠죠       두 손은 주머니 속 깊게 넣겠죠
dolabwado icheneun opgettchyo       du soneun chumoni sok gipge nohgettchyo
이리저리 자유롭게 걸어도       두 볼은 가랑비도 쉽게 젖겠죠
iricholi chayulopge golodo       du poleun galangbido swipge chotgettchyo

어느새 빗물이       내 발목에 고이고
oneusae pimuli       nae balmoke goyigo
참았던 눈물이       내 눈가에 고이고
chamatton nunmuli       nae nungae goyigo
I cry~

그대는 내 머리위에 우산       어깨위에 차가운 비 내리는 밤
geudaeneun nae moriwie usan       oggaewie chagaun bi naerineun bam
내 곁에 그대가       습관이 되어버린 나
nae gyote geudaega       seupgwani duioborin na
난 그대없이는 안되요
nan geudaeopsineun andwiyo

alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
girl i just want you to know
alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
and i just can't let you go


난 열어놨어 내 맘의 문을       그댄 내 머리 위에 우산
nan yoronwao nae mamui muneul       geudaen nae mori uie usan
그대의 그림자는 나의 그늘       그댄 내 머리 위에 우산
geudaeui geurimchaneun nawi usan       geudaen nae mori uie usan
난 열어놨어 내 맘의 문을       그댄 내 머리 위에 우산
nan yoronwao nae mamui muneul       geudaen nae mori uie usan
그대의 그림자는 나의 그늘       그댄 내 머리 위에 우산
geudaeui geurimchaneun nawi usan       geudaen nae mori uie usan
나의 곁에 그대가 없기에       내 창밖에 우산을 들고
naui gyote geudaega opgie       nae champakke usaneul deulgo
기다리던 그대
kidaridon geudae
I cry~

그대는 내 머리위에 우산       어깨위에 차가운 비 내리는 밤
geudaeneun nae moli uie usan       okkaeuie chagaun bi naerineun bam
내 곁에 그대가       습관이 되어버린 나
nae gyote geudaega       seupgani duioborin na
난 그대없이는 안되요       그대는 내 머리위에 우산
nan geudaeopineun andwiyo       geudaeneun nae moli uie usan
어깨위에 차가운 비 내리는 밤       내 곁에 그대가
oggaewie chagaun bi naerineun bam       nae gyote geudaega
없는 반쪽의 세상       그댄 나 없이는 안돼요
opneun pamchonui sesang       geudaen na opsineun andwiyo
forever in the rain~



Suddenly the rain has gathered at my feet
The tears that I held in are welling around my eyes
I cry~

The sound of the clock in an empty room
The sound of the rain hitting the roof and my lips
The ring inside the coat I haven’t worn in a while
The gathering memory
The Seoul I haven’t seen in a few days
The gathered rain are like little mirrors
Within them I struggle because it hurts
Without you I’m like a chair with a short leg
The umbrella that was too small for the both of us
The umbrella that shielded us from the cold world
Now seems much to big and awkward.
Your left shoulder always got so wet
I hang my head with the weight of the memories
My shoelaces are untied, undone
Now all thats next to me is the rain and wind (not there)
a person that will hold my umbrella for a while
and I cry~

A puddle of rain has gathered around my feet
The tears that I ~held in are welling around my eyes
I cry~

CHORUS
You are the umbrella above my head
The cold rain falling above my shoulders in night
You next to me has become a habit
I cant be without you

alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
girl i just want you to know
alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
and i just can't let you go

The ground has gathered the tears of the sky
I can see the moon behind the star blocking clouds
The sound of lonely shoes echo down the alley
I turn around
Its just heart wrenching night
A shadow that looks just like me
The us that couldn’t see us
Are we two now?
The answer is lonely
The picture in my mind and my response is vague
The umbrella that was too big in my eyes
The umbrella I close facing the world that made me cry
The umbrella that I opened with the promise of forever
Under the now ripped umbrella are two hearts
I guess even though I turn you wont be there
I put my two hands deep inside my pockets
Even though I walk carefree
My two cheeks will easily become wet
Suddenly the rain has gathered at my feet
The tears that I held in are welling around my eyes
I cry~

CHORUS
I opened the door of my heart
you’re the umbrella above my head
You are my shadow, I am your shade
You’re the umbrella above my head
I opened the door of my heart
you’re the umbrella above my head
You are my shadow, I am your shade
You’re the umbrella above my head

alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
girl i just want you to know
alone in the rain, rain, rain       nothing but pain, pain, pain
and i just can't let you go

Because you are not next to me
I waited outside with an umbrella
outside your house
I cry~

CHORUS
You are the umbrella above my head
The cold rain falling above my shoulders in night
The world is in two pieces without you next to me
you cant be without me
forever in the rain~

rainy days like these

alone in the rain rain rain
nothing but pain pain pain

and it just wont stop raining these few days
feeling a little bit sick to the stomach

but by tomorrow i'll be fine. as always.

reminiscence of disjointed dots

Yet the rain doesn't stop dripping into the hollow block
Knocking upon reminiscence of disjointed dots

after all these months

"Um, third time's the charm, hopefully

When I chime on your door you'd still let me in

After all these years, the room you caved in my heart

Is exactly the same as you had left it

I realize that you have moved on

New styles and cliques like them silent flicks

I'm speechless in this golden occasion

The beautiful expression on the silver creation"

slipping away

hello, how are you?

my little man slash poet slash mc.

you might be busy with school and learning german, economics, political science and getting ready for further studies in germany in the future.

i know sometimes it feels like this dream feels like a distant memory because you don't even have much skills.

but hey.

you do remember what it was like writing your first rhyme, right? i know it's hard, but don't let that feeling slip away.

rest well, else your health's gonna recline again.

hard

must not complain.

the life altering moment when mum left us.

life is hard but nobody said it was gonna be easy.

must not complain.

new mottos

must not complain.

must bring change.

must get it done.

我們什麽都不是

因爲到最後，

我們什麽都不是。

恭喜好朋友Cheryl今晚2013年7月15日以最高榮譽學位化學科學士順利畢業。
而什麽時候會輪到我呢？


期待爸爸看到我畢業的那一天

happy birthday to me

Dear family and friends, thank you for your wishes, whether virtual, in voice, via text or in person. Each and every one of them have been well-received, and I appreciate them all, whether you're a friend new or old, close or distant.

To be honest, I hesitated writing this note because I've always been one who's quick to show my disapproval of those who facebook their problems, instead of facing them (though I know I'm guilty of it sometimes >.<). But I suppose they have their reasons for doing so, and, well, I'm no different.

It's been a crazy year since my last birthday.

Last birthday, I recall spending time at a Grill party with friends whom I've spent a significant amount of time with in Germany. That was one of the few great moments last year.

And something struck so bad (something which some of my closer friends know about), and instantly it became so hard juggling housework at home, work in school, and a job I couldn't quit because I had made a promise to an ailing teacher to see his students through PSLE. He eventually passed away, which left me pretty much in a limbo.

I started turning up late for school, constantly not having enough sleep, and neglecting my then girlfriend.

Meanwhile I grew distant with friends, stopped going for soccer, and eventually, had my girlfriend ignore her way out of a relationship, which, to be honest, I couldn't quite handle anymore. I wasn't doing well for anything actually. I struggled to attend Aikido training sessions, struggled to keep up my passion for German, I struggled to put on a happy face when I meet the kids during every Sunday class.

Ain't trying to find excuses, but I just can't tell you how glad that I survived 2012, and see that my students had all done reasonably well, well enough to go on to their respective secondary schools. And I just can't tell you how glad I am to have continued with German (hence some good friend(s), and me being better prepared to go on exchange soon). Just can't tell you how glad I am to have persisted with Aikido (hence attaining 6th Kyu, and enjoying every training session that I'm able to attend!).

Even till today, sometimes I get annoyed with the constant bickering with siblings because of the new roles all of us learn to adapt to. I get jaded sometimes, but looking back on the experience accumulated, though I can't figure out whether they've been good or bad, I'm definitely sure they've made me grown. And I'm still learning every day.

I'm just glad I made it this old.

For my host family who keeps in touch with me, reminding me of the good times I had in Muenster, Germany, I thank you so much for reminding me of the little happy things that every student should treasure while being a student.

For the friends who understand me, stood by me, and kept in touch with me on a frequent basis, thank you for your care, concern, and for bring joy and laughters into my life always!

And as for my dad, I think you're the most capable person ever. Your strength to carry on through adversity inspires me whenever I lose my passion for life. Trying so hard to give me the life you never had, for that I love you, sincerely and truly.

And I hope one day I have the courage to say them to you in person. And one day I swear I'll give you the life you deserve.

I love you.

Sometimes I get annoyed with the constant bickering with siblings because of the new roles all of us had to learn to adapt to. 

累

老實說,在這個只有我在乎的家庭裏存在著，很累

不能跟別人怨一聲‘累’，我只好又回來找你這個又笨又呆的部落格發一下牢騷

因爲只有你不會訂我嘴，又會一字不漏的把它們全記載下來

還是你可靠

因爲23嵗生日這一天，我並不覺得特別，只覺得自己一點用處都沒有，一點被別人珍惜的感覺也沒有

有時想找個遠在韓國的朋友訴苦，但又不想打擾別人

還是自己振作起來，加油吧

useless prick, ha.

Sometimes I feel like a useless prick
Falling to diseases that make me sick

And that was how I spent my fucking 23rd birthday.

At my aunt's place while I seek solace in this place.

another tired night

sometimes i feel tired, and the indecision is killing me
swaying moods like the moon, aint no one feeling me

Land of the cross

"Look up to the cross, stranded in the land of the lost"

happy father's day

Just yesterday.

Birth of another widow, and the loss of a dad on the eve of father's day.

For if you had a father, you should make every day a father's day.

and... i don't know what else to say.

happy father's day.

Addiction to Dreams

You know, I've always somewhat understood why some people would want to go back to dreaming every day in "Inception".

And now, I get a taste of that understanding. Some people don't dream at night, like I don't when I was busy with both school, aikido and family all at the same time. And once everything slows down, I'm having them really frequently, even during short naps I take after exercises and shit.

I think I'm addicted to dreams.

Dreaming about things that will never come back again.



Like my mother pulling me out of bed waking me up for school.

Like she waking me up from afternoon naps to have dinner.

Like she randomly calling me up when I was in my first NUS semester, asking me if I had the time to join her for lunch or dinner or tea outside.

Like she calling me up to buy some groceries or bubble tea.

Like she fetching me from home to my army camp.

Like she asking me to buy lottery tickets when the prize awards were really huge.

Like when the whole family went to Switzerland and Paris together cause that was the point in my life I knew I had a happy family.

Like when I looked forward to your dishes whenever you asked us to come up with a menu and then you would do your best to have a sumptuous dinner for us after a long day in school, but suddenly after shit happened you never cooked another dish for us ever again.

Like when you and I and sis would walk Angel together and discuss about the happenings in our life, and you telling me what a bitch Wanying was, and how manipulative/ gullible I was.

Like me telling you how lousy I felt when I was rejected by my first crush in secondary school, and your only calm response was 天涯何處無芳草？

Like you helping me with my Arts homework in primary school because even though I loved drawing, I never was good at it?

Like the first time the kids saw snow for the first time in our lives, and you played snowball fight with us in the Swiss snow.

Like you telling me to always have a positive outlook on life, until you yourself crashed and never picked yourself up again.

And after you left, the family's putting up a false image that everything's okay when nothing is okay. I know sometimes at night my sister cries to herself, wishing that she could go back to the days when you two spent so much time together. I know sometimes my lil brother is rebellious, because he wished he didn't take you for granted when you were there for him. I know dad is angry with an internal volcano erupting 24/7, but deep inside he loves you and hopes that one day you come to your senses. And as for me I've always treated you as my best friend, and others would get all jealous and envious that I had a cool mum like you did who would ask me to hang up my long calls, unless except if it was a conversation with another girl. A friend who I could share my thoughts, jokes and opinions with. Like my mother who would be cool and trustful of where I went to after school as long as I told her where I was going. You've changed, and the family aint gonna come back ever again.



Like my grandaunt who brought me to Da An Forest Park in Taipei, to feed the ducks when I was just a toddler. A toddler I may have been, but those memories are so vivid.

Like my grandaunt who would buy tons of Yakult just because I told her I loved it, but how she enjoyed watching me eat tonnes of food that she bought (though it made me really fat and chubby at the time).

Like how I would visit her every time I went back Taiwan because her health was reclining and she couldn't move around much except to grandma's place.

Like how we went over to your place after you were discharged from the hospital for the second time, and you were sharing with us your new soft toys that your grandchildren had given you.

Like how it was cool that some device was attached to your favorite soft toys so that you could call Aunt Xiaohua whenever you needed help. But still Aunt Xiaohua said you were always so reluctant to push the button and would always try to do things on your own because you didn't want to trouble her.

And after her death, I can only dream of the times she treated me well when she was healthy. And now all I could ever think of are the images of you lying lifeless on the hospital bed, while sis and I cry inside our hearts because I ain't never seen you in such a horrible state before. You didn't deserve to die the way you did, because you've always spent so much time and effort doing sports, scaling mountains, taking care of your children. The sight of Aunt Xiaohua always taking care of you was so heart-warming because you've done such a good job raising your children, and now when it's her turn to take care of you, she decided to quit her job so that she could always be by your side. But I couldn't.




Like when she confessed that she liked me too in the rain under the basilica Sacre Coeur Paris.


Like when she and I ditched our friends to have a date at the Eiffel Tower.

Like when she would still call me when I was busy teaching the kids.

Like when we held each other's hands throughout the entire journey back home from Europe and I could feel my sweat in her palms.

Like when she called me at nights during my first ICT.

Like when she told me she loved me, but I told her I couldn't say the same to her until I was sure that she was the right girl. And eventually I did, but, was it all bad-timing?

Like when we had our first date in Singapore along the beach and were just lying on the rock and stargazing, sharing our life before all this sharing became 'reporting'.

Like when she cried telling me that she wants to take the same German class as me but could not because I had to take care of my family in the afternoon and evenings.

Like when she just wanted to spend more time talking to me, but I was just exhausted from school, aikido, tuition and the family, and calling almost every motherfucker out there just to beg my mum to come back home.

And somehow, when I thought she would love me forever and that I was going to marry her, things changed and she didn't love me anymore. At the point of time, it hurt me so bad that she didn't do anything to salvage the relationship, but instead, she went on ignoring me. On hindsight, don't blame me for hurting you; you didn't love me enough to want me back. And so the only regret I have is to have loved someone who never really loved me in the first place.So stop acting like you're the victim, when you acted the way you did and then have your friend telling some other NYJC friends about how I was rejected at your door step, because they came up to ask if it was true. I loved you, and at the point in time, it was all true. All the more I'm glad that I've let you free.



Like when I first got to know John at an interview - yes - at the hospital, and I ain't never been to a hospital since my grandaunt because I hate the feeling of my memories locked in there. But how I would come to respect a teacher whom I barely knew, but from my conversation with your wife and your students, I would know that you're a dedicated teacher who spent loads of time and effort on teaching.

Like when I was teaching tuition and the kids loved the way I taught, and always asked me to extend the class or have an extra class - sorry I just didnt have the time and energy to put in extra effort. Though I'm glad the extra oral lessons helped you guys a little.

Like when I received news from them that they all have improved their grades for PSLE English.

And I know I'll never get another enjoyable tuition class like you guys. I'll probably never go back to teaching at a lower level again, and John, you were an amazing employer even though I was on my own teaching the kids for most of the time, especially after you were gone. Thank you for giving me the opportunity, and even though I still don't know if teaching is meant for me, I'm glad I had a taste of what it's like.



Like when I was always down and blue we would just say, 'hey, how about some kalua'?

Like how I would ask her out on valentines day to hang out because I didn't know better - and I was just thinking of asking a good girl-friend out for a meal before she would leave Singapore for good.

Like when we had our last kalua session and your poured your heart out telling me about your fears and shit. And how time flew so fast since we met each other in JC.

Like when she left for Korea, and I think we were almost this close to being a couple - but fortunately we did not, otherwise I think things would have turned out really awkward for us.

Like when she scolded me for some weird reasons I couldn't understand, but came back to reread them and understand them a lot better after joanna and i broke up.

Sometimes we all need to learn painful lessons.


Now I'm more independent, dealing with all this shit on my own but I've still gotta stay positive. Some friends don't understand exactly what happened to cause me to disappear from their groups since my busy times. And fuck it, whatever man. You guys never understood, never tried to understand, then blame me. I don't need lousy friends like you.


Don't come up to me calling me 'oppa' and shit when you never gave a shit about me - cause you're more concerned about your relationship with your friend than whether your friend is doing the right thing or not. Face it, you're not gonna call me out of the blue to chat. Wait, you never even bothered replying to my texts or my calls. You're not gonna ask me out for coffee. Naw, friendship ain't all that.

So I'm ditching the past and starting from scratch.

And it's just me, my mind, my raps and my rhymes. And this addiction to dreams that I've gotta quit.

random rhymes from a broken mind

And the gods judge me when I raise them doubts

And motherfuckers too cause I stand odd out

Everyone wants to be that odd-one out...

That makes everyone puffs of the same cloud

Hold up, close your mouth for this moment

I rewind, a year ago, before my fam was broken

We were all smiles with occasional arguments

Were those smiles fake or was I just hidden

From the scenes that were taking place backstage

If I could freeze that chapter, fuck that other page

Cause age don't measure time it's a state of mind

Twenty two, still hoping I the next in line

For my first break, end the wait before my last wake

Cause I never learned how to apply them breaks

Chasin' dreams of goalless destinations

Twenty two years man, still the incarceration

random rhymes from a broken mind

social networking

This social network is causing a lot of envy
Lots of cats wanna be online celebrities
Raking in the dough like a black hole for cash
Going for soul, going solo, producing thrash
Liking this and liking that cause I click for free
We love the white noise giving kicks for free

no apologies

I'm losing sleep for no reason man.. Fucking worried I'm falling into depression again.

But somehow listening to rap and writing a few lines makes me feel a lot more optimistic.

Trying to get some sleep and study tomorrow. Cause I've been so fucking unproductive in the past 6 months or so.

I'm sorry I'm so uncommitted. Sorry to both you guys and myself. And I really don't want that anymore. And I want to throw everything away right now at this moment.

And aidan if you're reading this, I'm grateful anyone is even reading this almost defunct blog. Grateful, because I haven't been around for you during these lonely two years you were here, yet you stick up with all the bullshit and stuff like that.

I'm glad I had written to you when you were away in New Zealand. I'm glad I had met Yu Xiang, the rebellious and profanity-speaking kid at age 15. I'm glad I'm no longer that Chinese geek who reads martial arts novels alone in the library all day. I'm glad I started listening to rap and freestyling whack verses at yx's place. If not for that I don't think I'll know who I am. I'd probably still be pointing fingers at the sky and blaming my double-identity. and blaming my parents for placing me in an English-speaking society. Think about what my life would have been... had it not been the influence of Kinetik, and rap in my life.

I think about how my closed-mindset and always wanting to preserve my taiwanese-ness for some conservative fucked up reason. And you know, I get discouraged very easily over some small set-backs that you probably think are small issues.

You know, even though I haven't been writing much, I've been practicing my vocals and rapping over old songs just to improve on my articulation. I listen to my vocals, and I feel good that I'm vocalizing words a lot clearer these days. No more clearing the 'air' kind of weird tones, just plain rap. And I worry, because I've felt like this before; feeling confident about my flow and lyric skills, only to be let down when I stand up to the mic, or struggle to come up with verses during recording.

But I know there isn't anything called half-way there, and I really don't want to go back to the life I once had. Because I've changed so much, I kept asking if I even know myself anymore. And that kind of frightened me a little, so I thought that I had to come clean with y'all.

I'm secretly scared of a lot of things. Which is why I wanted to write something on 'cowardice'. Maybe it's got to do with all the deaths and betrayals I've experienced during the past 2 to 3 years or so - I get more and more pessimistic about being with people. Truth be told, I thought Joanna would be there for me during the hardest times for me, and at one childish time I thought to myself, yes, I'm gonna marry this girl. And then everything crumbled, even harder to take because of the way my mum had left me, and now Joanna too.

I spent a significant amount of time angry at myself - wondering if the problem lies with me, whether my life is fated to be around untrustworthy people. I hide in a hermit shell like a fucking cancer sign - always seeking comfort at home, dilly dallying and trying to study even though nothing goes in. I try to feel as passionate about German as I was - but even that dies out for me sometimes when I feel so disconnected with what I found so appealing about Germany.

But Germany remains a place of opportunities, and man I tell you, we really need to go there to expand. It's not some stupid fetish I arrived at - I genuinely think (and I know) that there's a lot to explore and learn over there. You might disagree with me... but that's alright. That's an argument for the future, and at the moment, we def need to come up with some hit music to get the ball rolling.

Oh shoot. It's past 3am in the morning. Fuck my life honestly. And what's the previous angry post I posted about? Oh yea, that was about my life. I'm gonna win the loser in me over.

Because I'm the fucking protagonist of my life, and not some supporting role for someone else's.

At this point I feel like just breaking down and cry - because no one knows how I feel. But my circumstances ain't shit to someone else in the motherfucking 3rd world or some people living in poverty... So you know what.

Fuck the loser, fuck him cause he ain't shit
Burn the corpses of Gods who wrote me a life script
Tear it into half... I perform my magic
My life can be beautiful instead of a tragic
Feeling static, hitting an old plateau
But the whale ain't gonna eat me, this small little krill
I could rob and steal and live without morals
Fuck societal expectations, prescribed principles
But I've said that at least a thousand times in my rhymes
A fucking hypocrite who commits the same crimes
I'm tired of the same routine and conversation
It's about time we have less talk and more action...

好符合我目前心聲~

動力火車 

不甘心不放手

作詞：吳梵
作曲：吳梵
編曲：洪敬堯

不再執著於昨天的癡狂
我的心像是台北的街頭
不知該往哪兒走

妳的心像閃爍的霓虹
叫人迷戀卻也迷惑
我沒有把握
轉載來自 ※ Mojim.com　魔鏡歌詞網 

誰在慫恿夜的脆弱　撫平的傷又隱隱作痛
是誰說過不再回頭　還是讓妳淹沒了我
（將我淹沒）

想放棄卻不能甘心放手　留妳在夢中卻苦痛了我
等著傷心不如學會承受　反正妳不會是我的
想放棄卻不能甘心放手　留妳在夢中卻苦痛了我
等妳想起不如先忘記妳　反正離開妳的人是我

Eine Aufgabe von einer Freundin

You know they say it takes at least ten thousand hours
Building on the strengths and harnessing skills and powers
And you know how they say that graduate skill-less?
But how we supposed to learn under all this stress?
I mean, we learning useless stuff in college right?
But try "Public Speaking", and then pick up the mic
Without no rehearsal, no cue cards for referral
Appealing to the greater details of Aristole
The right confidence, but it ain't all that
Up there, the confidence that I thought I had
Vanishes quickly, then negativity rises
When I focus on what the final grade is
But now the semester draws a close, we disclose
I ain't the most awesome speaker, truth be told
But when I hear I echo Ethos, Pathos and Logos
I know I on the right track, speaking on a roll
And Dr. Trace-cee Loh, don't think I don't appreciate
I do, I thank you for what you disseminate
Ideas, tone, style, rationality and conviction
Public speaking, blown my mind out of proportion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzgyxA1PXH8(Original)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ_rxXhZ-Gk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upMug2L7o1E

Wann kann ich gute Deutsch sprechen und lesen?

Manchmal frage ich mich, was ich mit meinem Leben machen.

Und ich freue mich auf den Tag, der ich gute Deutsch sprechen und lesen kann.

Morgen treffe ich mit Ryan, der einen guten Cellospieler ist, um unsere Referat zu üben.

Mauerbau

Aus dem GAP Blog (Die Post war am 31. Jan geschrieben, aber nur heute schreibe ich über dieses Youtube Video!)

"Wenn Sie sich mehr über die “ehemalige Berliner Mauer” informieren wollen, schauen Sie sich das Video an."

fuck you for not telling the truth

It's okay, I got it right anyway.

You never fought to keep me, and so I don't blame you.

Pretending that you were hurt and making everyone think it's my fault when you the one who wanted out.

But you don't fucking act like I've done anything wrong, cause I know I haven't, and you just fucking childish.

I think I made the right decision, cause instead of being there for me when I needed somebody, you try to put me on the test and then it backfired and you became a hater.

I even read you thank your friend for that. Just fucking childish cause you could have just dealt with it yourself.

Coward.

words are cheap

but words are so cheap.. why can't you fucking afford it